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When a narcissist chooses a marriage partner, they make sure that that person will adoringly follow their example in all aspects of their lives. The narcissist expects to be perfectly reflected – to receive from his partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, conformity, selfless service. There is a tacit understanding that the narcissist will never admit his mistakes, nor his faults and failures should never be pointed out, even in the most vague terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder. These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The narcissist is the master; the border, the servant. This is the arrangement. The partner will constantly be lied to and betrayed. The narcissist threatens over his or her spouse’s head that he or she can be eliminated in a hurry

The individual with borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines merge psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. This serious psychological obstacle is described as a border problem. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who they are and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. Limit has not reached this stage of development, often due to childhood trauma. Its growth has been arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, hanging on desperately, begging a parent to be careful of him, to promise not to hurt him or abandon him again. The border suffers from a fragile sense of self and a sense of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thinking and paranoia, have psychotic breaks, and end up in mental hospitals. Higher-level borders work quite well in the world despite their psychological addictions and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is able to feel others deeply and can be very empathetic.

It is a marriage made in Hades. The limit accepts the demanding, perfectionist and self-skilled narcissist. Under the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his wife as he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern as an adult, hoping to gain the love and respect he deserved so long ago. The border is not in the right place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. It will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic companions because they suffer so much psychological pain, suffer from low self-esteem, and are used to being treated in an abusive manner. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to get rid of their current spouse for an updated, more attractive and compliant model. The exhausted spouse is expelled to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next big arousal with no memories or regrets. For him, it is a relief: a fly with one hand on the face.

Source by Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

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